Thanksgiving? Forgiveness?

Last night, the topic of Christmas party in this year is "Thanksgiving". One of the activity is recalled our grace in 2014 and wrote on the paper. However, when I closed my eyes and try recall the memory of the 2014, it totally came up a whole black picture in my mind. During that moment, I felt very speechless and helpless because I totally ruined the whole year without doing anything. In fact, the whole memory of 2014 was my work and those people who I don't want to face, such as my colleagues and people who I don't want to serve. After this black picture, I should be glad that I have a girl-friend who are giving me up when I had a tough and lost year, she was even brought me up and give me the huge support.(Sometimes, she wants to kill me when I take a nap after morning shift work. lol) Frankly, I need to admit that I am lazy and I would really love to give so many nonsense excuses to not work on my dream. Yet, I need to wake up from a slacking and laziness year and I will consistently write my blog in English for improving/ bringing back my little english writing skill. God, I should pray for you because you are a Mercy God. You sent me a lot of angels around my life and guide me to walk with you. I admitted that I was failed to worship and glorify you in 2014 and I did not do my job as being a Christian but now I would ask you to light up the holy spirit from you and lead me to glorify your name in my job nature and my life. God, please forgive me ignorance and I know that you are the one who can give me an opportunity to find my dream, so I trust and I worship you!

Thomas

"Denying myself and take up his cross and follow him"

Our fellowship leaders had brought up a wrap up session about the series of the bible study. They gave us a few different sections to simulate us to think of the past we learned from the series of the bible study. In fact, I was amazed and lighted up by the section about the time management and how much time we spent with our god in any time. The chart I made it showed that I spent up to seventy percentages of time on my work since I started this new job. During that moment, I shocked and thought of myself as a work-alcoholic because I can believe a person who dislikes his work so much can work without rest. This should be ridiculous. After the church, I and a few brothers and sisters discussed about recent work and life. I realized that I was unconfident and unfaithfulness in many perspectives of life, especially of my career and my religious in the conversation. even though I was so depressed and unconfident, I was so glad that my brothers and sisters support me so much and give me so many suggestions to find a way to leave this dead end corner. To be honest, I should have a life transformation from the old living style to a new living style, so that I can gain more power from God. Since I have started this work, I felt like gaining less energy from God because I gave a bunches of excuses to abandon God. Like the bible what it said from Hebrews 10:24-25 "And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds. let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another -- and all the more as you see the Day approaching." Now, I should not be giving up meeting together although I was. Therefore, I should establish brand new living style for giving myself to God.
 In fact, I am staying in my comfort zone to keep complaining what I don't have now and too afraid of losing something what I have now but I should wake it up from this nightmare/comfort zone because we have nothing since we born, so I should not be afraid of this because I have "him" behind me to be my biggest supporter. I should keep running for life passionately for GOD and myself like what bible said from the Philippians 3:12-14.

"Dear God, please forgive what I did before in my work and what I did just now. I know I am a sinner and I offend you even I proclaim that I am a Christian, however I did so many thing which is against you and the law what you wrote on the bible. Now, I am praying for going back to you and gain the power from you. No matter what I encounter in the future I will still pray for you, even it is adversity or prosperity. God, please forgive me as being laziness to not pray for you so long. I love you Jesus and I love you to letting me to talk with you in this quiet time." 

銅鑼灣麵粉公仔伯伯

        每星期六、日晚上，我都會經過銅鑼灣百德新街坐車回家。每一次從地鐵站到小巴站的五分鐘路程，必定會經過一個做麵粉公仔的伯伯。其實，我已經不是第一次看見他了，之前在平日日間都已經見過他好幾次。每一次看見他，我心裡都有一種莫名奇妙好奇和關心。好奇的原因是我不解他的一生是怎樣的呢？他有否兒女？他做的是為生活還是興趣呢？基於好奇心的情況下，我終於從網上搜查了一大堆他的新聞。一邊讀，一邊思想若我就是這伯伯，心裡一定非常不好受，就好像快要哭出來了一樣。其中一篇報道裡，他說了一些自己的心聲。

「好慘啊！無人買我啲公仔。」陳伯受訪時頻呼生意慘淡，他說：「麵粉公仔落後、死板，年輕人都不會喜歡，更不要說要他們購買。」說到這話時，他的神情不然都帶一點緊張，左顧右盼的四處張望，為的是留意有沒有小販管理隊的蹤影。   本報記者 林良堅

在我們眼中不知道他袖裡故事是怎樣的一個伯伯，我們也許會可憐他，我也許會說都不知為什麼他要這樣折磨自己，什至我們會講一些更冷漠的說話。我現在這樣說不是要責備任何人，因為我們本無責任去關心每一個人。但細心思考過後，假如老的一輩沒有去努力為我們這一輩建立這個社會，還會現在嗎？也許你們會說只是一個人的能力有這樣大嗎？有時候，事情缺了一個人就會影響大局。這也許蝴蝶效應吧。 

我作為一個基督徒，確實有點羞恥。因為耶穌教導我們要「你要盡心，盡性，盡意，盡力愛主你的神，又要愛鄰舍如同自己。」難道聖經教的鄰舍真的是住在我隔離果個嗎？我相信絕對不是，因為神是要我們去愛每一個人而不是某一小撮人。神呀，求你原諒我。更求你去掉我心裡一切的不好，求你去掉我心裡的尤疑，求你去掉我心裡的冷漠，求你去掉我心裡的藉口。全然地去愛袮，亦要去愛袮所創造的每一個人。因為他們都是屬袮，感謝你。 其實，我寫一篇是希望大家都像我一樣想想你生活中有否一些你從來不認識的人，但其實，他們也許需要你關心的人呢？

最後，陳伯我非常敬佩你擁有一種貧而不窮的心。其次，你為了生活也為興趣及保護這個麵粉公仔傳統手藝去為你的公仔奮鬥實在難能可貴。我們每天工作都在說什麼老闆不好，工作不好，什至不喜歡就會放棄。在別人眼中，你也許沒有什麼成就像李嘉誠，像大法官，大醫生，大律師等，但你有一份堅持。這一份堅持是用錢也不能買的，也有一個背後的故事。

借圖

願主保佑你！陳伯

想念

有時候喜歡一個人的感覺很奇怪的。你試過嗎？

有人曾經講過鐘意一個人的感覺就好似踩鋼線般，但對我來說就好像一條你永遠不能知道終點的公路。你的心本來就是按捺著，看到出口就離開公路。事實上，心是這樣想。但做的時候，剛剛相反。不經不覺間，你會一直開車連自己直到沒有油才會想一想去油站入油。但入油後，會理智點嗎？多數不會，什至還會立刻加完油就再向這條路一路揸。直到你見到果個你想見到的終點。這樣瘋狂嗎？在旁看的人，或許可以很理智地和這個人說慢慢來。但當你做司機的時候，就不會了。

"他/她"讓我想念她，什至有一刻會想。她現在做什麼呢？還有一種我已經好多年都沒有的感覺，就是原來她開心，我便開心了。我不想多求，只求她開心。求天父做我的司機，帶我去目的地。

"然而，不要從我的意思，只要從你的意思。" 

神就願你旨意行在我和"他/她"當中。

傳聞

    最近好似有好多傳聞圍繞自己走，其實，我真是有點內疚。因為我被人傳，絕對無所謂。你們可以隨便把我來開玩笑，我沒有在意。但我真的請你們慎言。與此同時，我都會教訓自己的。因為最近自己的亂說話，讓一班弟兄姊妹們不開心，我真的想向你們說一聲「對不起！」。有時候，我都好想把事情的始末說清說楚，但發現真相永遠只會越描越黑。點都好啦，我沒有生氣。只是希望大家不要再猜我吧，我不是什麼大明星或偉人，我只是一個屬神的兒子。

Out Of Control

不知用什麼方法可以把自己的情緒帶走，不知為何最近這兩個禮拜發現自己的心情同脾氣都好差。希望透過文字把一切心裡的煩惱掃走。
很久都試過果種憤怒會遮蓋我的心眼和肉眼，現在回想確實有點嚇怕自己的感覺。我看到的不是一個人是一頭野獸。最憤怒的時候，我曾有一刻竟然想把惹我憤怒的人殺死，或用嚴重暴力去解決他們。確實，我真的要正視這一切問題。究竟是因為我給自己壓力太大還是什麼？我總覺得心裡好像一條鎖鏈一樣，把我的心鎖得很緊，令我透不過氣來。
現在還有理智的時候，我決要理智地把我心裡的煩惱一一在此道出。
1.媽媽的病 - 其實，我發現我很想幫她，但能做的不多。另外，有把日常照顧她的責任看得太重，使自己喘不過氣。有時會想，我是否過份緊張呢？
2. 私人問題 - 其實，有時我都不知道自己做緊的是什麼。我看似很喜歡，很想走近。但又自我控制，不應這樣這樣。現在，冷靜地去想是否過份的自我控制，令到自己造成一個情緒炸彈的原素呢？
3. 朋友 - 我最近可能少了一份對朋友的耐性，什至有時會把朋友所說所講不合心意的就看似他對我不好了。

希望天父為我加力,

口不對心

自從發生了事情後，我確實把之前關於自己和「他」的事情放到一旁。差不多一個月的認識，談天說地，天南地北無所不談。但就是很不知該否說或走。直到那個破冰的位置，我們雙方都說做一對朋友。但有時走得太近，近到我本已可抓到他的時候，我們偏偏說想雙方走遠。事實呢？事實就是我發現自己不願意放棄這段距離…有時我在想這是天父給我的考驗嗎？我對自己有信心，縱然他口中說的是朋友，但我心裡確信順服天父的旨意！天父會給我最好的。雖然心裡是這樣想，但我行動也按捺不住的。正正就是口不對心的行為，你明白嗎？這種感覺像分開更要難受，因為等待就是一種好長的功課。現在的我，真的是很脆弱，亦很不知該怎做。朋友們都對我說該看清楚，事實上，我亦認同他們有他們的道理！但…我真的想做相反的，天父喔，我明確了解一段關係為的不是自己的開心乃是為榮耀著袮。我在此懇求你教我怎行這條路。家裡事情和這事情已經讓我很不知該辦，再長此下去，我怕我會心情很差，什至發脾氣鬧走對我好的人。若我有得罪的每一位，我向你們道歉。